I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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