dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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