Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
