I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize