He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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