o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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