i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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