how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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