I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
