I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
