It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
