Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
