Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
