My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it's like iHOP with fire
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
