She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
