I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
