Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize