i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
