Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
