Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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