I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
