Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just high enough for therapy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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