so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
