my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
