Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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