I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
