I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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