dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
