She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
