I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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