he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
