if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
