So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
