Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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