hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
His hands were made for my vagina.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
