ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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