I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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