My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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