Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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