my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
