the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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