if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
