I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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