Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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