I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize