Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
