At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
