Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
