it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
