i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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