Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
