I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
