Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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