I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
