Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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